My daughter. I love her.

5/15/13
Dear Father,

Some things I have to tell you. I know I have told you that I love Bane as if she were my own daughter. I know that I have told you why I feel so connected to her. But, and I am sure you have noticed the note I am about to tell you about, there is a letter that I wrote her a while back that I can never send her and I have been using as a bookmark in this journal. I kinda have to write it into this book because I have read and re-read the letter so many times, it is falling apart. And I want to create a more permanent version of that letter. So here goes.

9/22/12
Bane

I write this, knowing I will probably never send it to you, to deal with concerns that I have for you. I cannot confront you with this because I know that it is your choice whom you wish to talk to about aspects of your own life, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about you. The first night you came to stay at the mansion, there were emotions which I could see in your eyes and hear through the door to your room as I went to crash after I fixed Pheonix. We have never really had a conversation about this, but from what I have observed in your emotions and what I have learned about your history I have come to some conclusions. These are not accusations or judgments, but observations. And they may be right, or they may be off by a mile.

I think you are angry at your father for abandoning you by committing suicide. The fact that the suicide happened within days of your birth also makes you feel responsible for him pulling the trigger.

I also think you feel responsible for your mother's death -- as if you chose to be born with your "poison touch." And you are angry at her for not having the strength to survive your birth.

You love/hate both of them. They created you, but they both abandoned you.

"How could you possibly know what I feel?" is the first question you would ask me if I were to confront you with these thoughts. I know how you feel because I spent a lot of my life angry at my mother for abandoning my father and me by killing herself when she learned that she passed her lycanthropy on to me. I was angry at myself because I was the one who, as a 3 week old, caused my mother to commit suicide when she watched me change from an infant to a wolf pup on the night of a full moon.

But I had one thing that you did not which helped me come to terms with my anger. I had a father. He supported me and talked to me and listened... really listened to me. Even though he is dead he STILL listens to me in my journal. This is why, every day, I hope you will talk to me. I can't become your father. I can't make everything all better. But I am here to listen to you, help you. My only problem is that I cannot thrust this on you. I can't walk up to you and say TALK TO ME. I can only hope that you know I am your friend. You can talk to me about anything. And you will chose to open up to me, trusting that I will always be there for you and I will never take advantage of your trust in me.

James

I have been praying for a chance to tell her these things, but I have held back because I know it has to start with Bane talking to me.

And as of now, that may never happen, because she is still MIA. DAMMIT Father, I know the world is a wonderful learning experience, but there are lessons like this which can drive a man insane. But I know I have a support system. And I love you for being that support system. Give Mom a hug for me.

Love (though concerned about my daughter's where abouts)
James


Editor's note: The letter to Bane was written within days of the creation of the journal entry " Scalpel... retractor... ."